Tag Archives: weight loss

In It to Lose It

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Errrr, win it? Well, be the winner. Or the loser. The biggest loser. Which is the winner of money. And the loser of…some weight.

That made sense, right? No?

Today marks the official start of my company’s ‘biggest loser’ style weight loss competition. This is our second year running it and the person who coordinates all of the health and wellness events for the company (*points to self*) has really amped up the contest this year. Team t-shirts. Lots of prizes. Weekly prizes. Team prizes. And one big mother of a top prize.

$1000

I want it. I really do. But with that much money on the line, I’ve got a lot of competition. 36 people signed up and that is out of a company of just over 100 employees. Which, for the success of the program, I’m thrilled. We’re working to implement health and wellness programs, because unhealthy employees have higher health insurance costs, etc etc. So, if I can get a third of the company the shed some pounds, I’m a ROCK STAR.

But man, I’m scared. Last year’s winner lost 16.9%. At my current weight, that would mean losing 63 pounds. Did I mention this is a 12 week competition? Yeahhhhh.

I mean, really, I don’t think I’m scared of not winning. I’m scared of falling into the same pattern I did last year – stay on track for three weeks, go off track for 7 weeks, get back on track for 2 weeks, lose 3%. That was less fun than it sounds. Oh, it doesn’t sound fun? Yeah, it wasn’t. Even if I don’t win, I’m trying to use these 12 weeks to really kick start me into losing weight, getting exercise and living a healthier lifestyle. And if I also win $1000, that’s cool. (I’m so nonchalant, right?)

I signed up for Weight Watchers online to keep me on track with food. I rejoined my gym to get me moving.  I’ve got my husband on board with cutting back on the junk, and my 16 year old daughter asked if she could be my gym buddy. What else do I need?

I’m going to need cheerleaders. Coaches. Volunteers to toss water in my face as I run by. Maybe we can skip that last one. But all kidding aside, I’m asking for help. Which is something I almost never do. But I’m asking. Help a sister out? If you see me on Twitter and I’m tweeting about how I really want to consume mass quantities of gelato, kick my gently in the rear end? Spam me with healthy recipes? Text me at 5:00AM and ask if I’m on my way to the gym? Or outside shoveling, because heyyyyyy New England.

Footnote: Due to the shockingly unshocking Massachusetts weather conditions in winter, we are currently buried in snow. (If you say ‘It’s so pretty!!!’, I might slug you.) So the start of the program actually got moved until Monday.

This is 39

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In a year, I’ll be 40. (I know, this kind of feels like one of the American Beauty, ‘in a year, I’ll be dead’ moments, but I promise, it’s not.)

I won’t be dead. I’ll just be 40. Which is practically the same thing if you ask my teenager.

40

40!

It’s the age you don’t trust anyone over. It’s what comes after Thirty-something. It’s the big 4-0. And it’s the number that I swore I’d have my stuff* together by. (To be fair, I also said that about 30. But let’s not go there).

It’s funny how time creeps up on you. All those things I said I’d do before I turned 40? Well, they seemed so doable! I had so much time!

365 days doesn’t feel like a lot of time. It really doesn’t. But, if I play my cards right, 365 days is a lot of time to get stuff* done. I want to use them wisely, so for this, my 39th birthday, I’m giving myself a few gifts that will hopefully see me through the next 365 days and on to a better, healthier, happier future.

Time – To be specific, I’m giving myself the gift of taking time to care for myself and not feeling remotely guilty about it. If I serve dinner a bit late because I snuck in a walk, or walk by the growing laundry pile on the way to gym without so much as a backwards glance, that’s okay. Losing weight and getting healthy requires time, so that is a gift I am going to give my future 40-year-old self. Her smaller behind* will thank me for it.

Dedication – This gift is not easily given, received, or understood, at least by me. What does it mean to be dedicated? Does it mean never eating cheese or cake or cheesecake again? Does it mean that at every moment, my caloric intake has to be at the forefront of my mind? I certainly hope not, because that is just not sustainable for me. But I am giving myself dedication to an overall healthier lifestyle. Which leads to my next gift. (I was once told I was very good to myself. What can I say, I enjoy presents!)

Choice – This gift is a key piece of an overall healthy lifestyle. I can eat what I want. I can eat over my allotted calories sometimes. I can have a piece of cheese, or cake, or cheesecake, or CHEESE AND CAKE, as long as I understand that I have a choice in the matter, and that both sides of these choices has consequences, be they positive or negative. I don’t always have to make the right choice, but I am giving myself permission to own my choices, good or bad.

Joy – It’s time for me to start finding the joy in this process. I don’t have to complain about working out. I don’t have to mourn the lack of ice cream in a given day. I can love the hour I spend walking in the cold (because this is New England, yo) and revel in the fresh fruits and vegetables I eat and be joyful that I have the opportunity to do these things. Maybe not every day, every time, but sometimes. Nobody likes a whiner. 

Inspiration – This is a gift I give myself by surrounding myself with people who make me want to be better. Some of them I am lucky enough to call friends. Others are bloggers telling their stories, just hoping they’ll inspire someone. Momentum can be hard to sustain, so I’ll be seeking out inspiration wherever I can find it, and hopefully, providing some of my own.

Forgiveness – This is a gift that just plain needs to be given. I’ve spent so much time being angry at myself for all the things I’ve done, and the things I haven’t done, to get to where I am physically. And to what end? Holding it against myself, blaming myself… it only serves to hold me where I am. It’s time to let the past be the past, before the present is the past. That made sense, right?

A Clean Slate – The last gift I’m giving myself is a completely clean slate. Whatever I’ve done before, whatever I’ve tried at and failed at, or tried at and succeeded at but quit anyway, it’s all off the table now. Just because I quit running doesn’t mean I can’t start again. And I have to start at the beginning, but that’s okay. With a clean slate, you’ve got nothing but beginnings. I can try something new, or I can try something I’ve already tried before. Weight Watchers worked for me before, and then I quit. And then I went back and it wasn’t the right fit. Doesn’t matter. If I choose to try it again, I can. No dwelling on how it went last time, there is no last time. There is only this time. No day but today, my friends.

So, Happy Birthday to me! I may not love the idea of leaving my 30s, but I am truly looking forward to the idea of ringing in my next ‘decade’ as the happiest, healthiest, best 40-year-old I can be. To that end, these gifts are the greatest gifts I could wish to receive.

A treadmill in the garage wouldn’t suck either, just saying.

*All asterisks are indicators of where I want to use bad words, but as I’m almost 40, I’m trying to be less of a trash mouth. That’s a gift to everyone, I promise.  

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

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WELL, HI THERE! DID YOU MISS ME? I MISSED YOU!

It’s been a while, huh? Life has been a bit nuts, as it tends to be. A couple months back, it just got to be a little too nuts. I needed to take some time to really focus my attentions on my family and my job and ME. My chicks were totally wonderful and told me to take the time I needed. So I did. Things are more calm now, or maybe I’m just managing the storm a little better. Either way, I’m very glad to be back, AND I have something interesting to talk about.

The Transtheoretical Model of Behavior Change

Say what? I know, it’s a mouthful.

I went to a seminar a few weeks ago at work on how to fit fitness into your busy life and they discussed this idea. We’ve actually had a series of these seminars, which I have organized for the company, and I’ve taken something away from each of them. But this? This really stuck with me when I left the room and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, I did some research. Meaning I read the Wikipedia article on it.

This model of change was developed back in the late 1970s by a doctor and his colleagues at URI. I’ll give you some more details below, but in short, it is the idea that change is a process that happens in a specific set of stages.

Do me a favor? Think about a change you want to make or are trying to make or have made, and then read through the stages below with that in mind.

The information below is taken directly from the article on Wikipedia.

Stage 1: Precontemplation (Not Ready)

People at this stage do not intend to start the healthy behavior in the near future (within 6 months), and may be unaware of the need to change. People here learn more about healthy behavior: they are encouraged to think about the pros of changing their behavior and to feel emotions about the effects of their negative behavior on others.

Precontemplators typically underestimate the pros of changing, overestimate the cons, and often are not aware of making such mistakes.

One of the most effective steps that others can help with at this stage is to encourage them to become more mindful of their decision making and more conscious of the multiple benefits of changing an unhealthy behavior.

Stage 2: Contemplation (Getting Ready)

At this stage, participants are intending to start the healthy behavior within the next 6 months. While they are usually now more aware of the pros of changing, their cons are about equal to their Pros. This ambivalence about changing can cause them to keep putting off taking action.

People here learn about the kind of person they could be if they changed their behavior and learn more from people who behave in healthy ways.

Others can influence and help effectively at this stage by encouraging them to work at reducing the cons of changing their behavior.

Stage 3: Preparation (Ready)

People at this stage are ready to start taking action within the next 30 days. They take small steps that they believe can help them make the healthy behavior a part of their lives. For example, they tell their friends and family that they want to change their behavior.

People in this stage should be encouraged to seek support from friends they trust, tell people about their plan to change the way they act, and think about how they would feel if they behaved in a healthier way. Their number one concern is: when they act, will they fail? They learn that the better prepared they are, the more likely they are to keep progressing.

Stage 4: Action

People at this stage have changed their behavior within the last 6 months and need to work hard to keep moving ahead. These participants need to learn how to strengthen their commitments to change and to fight urges to slip back.

People in this stage progress by being taught techniques for keeping up their commitments such as substituting activities related to the unhealthy behavior with positive ones, rewarding themselves for taking steps toward changing, and avoiding people and situations that tempt them to behave in unhealthy ways.

Stage 5: Maintenance

People at this stage changed their behavior more than 6 months ago. It is important for people in this stage to be aware of situations that may tempt them to slip back into doing the unhealthy behavior—particularly stressful situations.

Did you find where you are? If you thought about a chance you already made, do you remember going through some version of these stages? I was easily able to see where I am in the process.

In terms of losing weight/getting healthy, I’ve been precontemplating my ass off for a really long time. It’s funny, because the key component of precontemplation is that you’re NOT READY.

How could I not be ready? I felt ready. I felt SO READY! But, if I step back and look at where I’ve been, I really wasn’t. I have completely underestimated the pros (health, longer life, more energy) and overestimated the cons (restriction, namely to cheese and bacon).

But, this isn’t a process that you follow. It’s not like you get up and say ‘today, I will start contemplating’. It’s just a shift that happens. At some point, my precontemplating became contemplating. I started ‘getting ready’. My pros and cons became more equal. I started thinking in a less rigid manner, accepting that lifestyle change does not mean an ALL OR NOTHING mentality towards food and exercise.

And now? I’m in Preparation. Which means I’m still not ready to start today. And that’s totally okay. I’m taking small steps (last week, I tracked a full day of eating on MFP, even though I didn’t change anything I ate that day. Talk about an eye opener.) I’m setting up my support system. I’m making sure I have everything I need in place, because… I’m ready.

I’M READY.

I have 190 pounds to lose. No, that is not a typo. This won’t be easy, nor will it be fast. I’ve had the behaviors that got me here all of my adult life. Finding new ones is a challenge.

But I’m ready. So ready. And one of the notes in the Preparation stage really stuck with me.

People in this stage should be encouraged to seek support from friends they trust, tell people about their plan to change the way they act, and think about how they would feel if they behaved in a healthier way. Their number one concern is: when they act, will they fail? They learn that the better prepared they are, the more likely they are to keep progressing.

That really is my number one concern. Will I fail? Again? I really hope not. But, no one gets to define what constitutes failure except me. So, I’m going to celebrate every success, no matter how small.

And I may need help, which I am never good at saying, and I’m even worse at asking for. But this is about change. So I will let myself ask for help when I need it.

I’m ready.

Have you guys ever heard of this? What do you think? 

The Power of Words

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Two weeks ago, I sat down and wrote a post. It was a candid, no holds barred look into my life as a morbidly obese woman. Those words were hard to write. Every one of them was a little piece of me, bared to the world, encapsulated on a screen. My fears. My regrets.

My weight.

Those words were meaningful to me, and based on the tremendous amount of supportive responses I got, they were meaningful to other people as well. I had to have Meri actually publish the post for fear I wouldn’t be able to hit the button. I wanted to erase the words, to take them back, as if doing so would make it less real, would make it all go away.

It wouldn’t have. Those realities don’t go away. They will change, when I change them, but they will never cease to be exactly where I was on that day.

The response was incredible. As soon as the post was published, my phone immediately starting buzzing. Tweets, emails, blog responses, Facebook notifications, texts, IMs from people in my office who I am FB friends with.

I couldn’t look right away. I didn’t know what the words coming in were, but I knew they would be too much. And when I did look? They were too much. Wonderful, kind, empathetic… but overwhelming. I cried more times than I can count. It took me days to fully process all of the messages, and days more to respond in a manner befitting the words that were given to me.

I’m so grateful to each one of you that reached out. I’m so touched that people found inspiration in that post, or solace at the idea that they were not the only one with those feelings. I’m so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful people in my world.

I gave myself a few more days to process how I was feeling, and then I started to ask myself some questions.

That is where I am, how do I get where I want to be?

I could sit here wishing I’d done things differently, wishing that I’d had the courage to face my demons years ago, but it wouldn’t change anything. I could blame the people in my life that failed me, blame the diet industry and the food industry for making me fat and keeping me that way, but it wouldn’t change anything. I could sit on my couch with my buddies, Ben and Jerry, crying about how hard it all is, but it really wouldn’t change anything.

Or I could build a bridge and get over it.

How am I going to change habits that are twenty eight years in the making?

I can change, but not without help. I am a prideful person, independent, and I hate needing help. But I need help. And my very wise lifelong best friend gave me some words this morning.

“If you need help, get help.” Right. I love you, Jen.

What diet do you try when you’ve tried every diet?

It doesn’t matter. Some are better than others, some are truly healthier than others, but at the end of the day, this isn’t about the diet. It’s about my commitment to doing what needs to be done, and about knowing that when something isn’t working, you find something else that will. It’s about me making the decision to change my life and my health. (I spent the better part of the last week trying to decide what was the best way to go about this, and I have a plan…you all know how I LOVE a plan. I’m not ready to talk about the plan just yet, but I have one.)

So, I’m going to  get help and work on forgiving  myself. I’ve made a commitment. And I’ve got a plan.

Where do I start? How? When? 

Old Chinese Proverb: The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.

Okay, then. Now works.

I am…

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Part of why I am a blogger, and a writer, in the first place is that having a forum to pour my emotions into, good or bad, helps me to process whatever I am going through or whatever I have going on. Regardless of how many people read, turning my feelings into words is cathartic.

And right now? I need some damn catharsis. Or something. I really need something. I need to vent and let it all hang out. 

Here at Scoot A Doot, we tend to keep the posts fairly light and positive. Sure, we talk about things like being busy moms trying to fit in exercise, or runs that we struggled through. But mostly, upbeat. And we’re generally a pretty perky bunch of chicks, so the positive nature of the posts is a natural extension of us.

This is not one of those posts. This post was hard to write, and will likely be hard to read. It’s raw and uncomfortable and uncensored and painful. And necessary, for me. So here goes…

I Am

I am… many things, to many people. I am a good listener. I am an amazing cook. I am a hard worker. I am funny. I am kind. I am generous.

I am… morbidly obese. I hate that phrase. It’s ugly and humiliating and harsh and accurate. I am literally so overweight that it’s killing me. Slowly, but still. The reality of my situation is that if I don’t change it, I will die younger than I should. I will rob my children of their mother, and my husband of his wife, far before I ever expected and far before I have a right to.

I am… sick. I have High Blood Pressure. My joints ache, all the time. My back hurts. I have trouble sleeping. I get winded walking up a flight of stairs. And when I work out or run? Everything hurts.

I am… tired. Truly exhausted. Physically and mentally, the act of carrying around this weight every day is so unbelievably tiring.

I am… angry. At myself. I know this serves no purpose, but I am so damn angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I am absolutely furious at myself for letting every ten-pound milestone that I swore I wouldn’t cross come and go.

I am… addicted. To food. I come from a long line of addicts. Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes. I’ve lost so many people far too early because they were ruled by their addictions. I have been fighting this addiction since I was ten years old.

I am… terrified. That I will join them. That I don’t have enough strength to conquer my own addiction. That I will fight my whole life, only to fail.

I am… sad. I am missing out on parts of my life that I will never get another shot at. I avoid air travel because I’m afraid I won’t be able to fit in the seat. I’ve flown once in the past twelve years, and had to ask for seat belt extenders. I was miserably uncomfortable and the thought of going through that is enough to make me never want to fly again.

I am… disappointed. In myself. I was supposed to be a better role model for my children. My son is now ten, and I see the beginnings of my battle in him every day. He is already struggling with weight. And food.

I am… ashamed. I feel weak. And small. I can’t look in the mirror without cringing.

I am… in pain. Physically, sometimes, but mentally, always. This hurts. On my best days, and believe me, I have great days, there is still some part of me, deep down, that is hurting.

I am… in a bad place right now. I have times when I feel like I have a handle on things. Lately, I don’t.

I am… struggling.

I am… lost.

I am…349 pounds. This is not my heaviest weight. I have weighed as much as 391 pounds. Typing that out is agony. Not erasing it is almost impossible. But putting that out there in the world doesn’t make it real. It’s already real.

But…

I am… a good person. A good mother. A good wife. A good friend.

I am… trying. To get better. To feel better. To be better.

I am… strong. When I put my mind to it, I can do amazing things. I can do anything. I can do this.

I am… hopeful. I have seen people change their lives. I know that is it possible. I still have hope that I will be one of them.

I am… talking about it. Because no one wants to talk about what it’s like to be morbidly obese. Especially people that are morbidly obese. But not talking about it, making it a dirty, ugly, fat secret? That doesn’t help.

I am… determined. To keep trying. To keep going. Because the other option is letting myself be beaten by my own addiction. That is not an option.

I am…not done fighting. Ever. I may never win, but I will never quit.

I am… morbidly obese. But I don’t have to be.

I am… ready. For change. For hard work. For whatever it takes.

I am ready.